today

today i...

re-kickstarted my workout plan. for about the millionth time. this time, for good!

returned to work.

resumed my social life.

anxiously awaited my bronch results.

yearned for inspiration.

longed to travel. far.

prematurely missed my brother, who hasn't even left for college yet, but will be soon.

prayed for cystic gal.

marveled incredulously at the degree and duration of my drug-induced memory loss post bronch.

geared up to research and write the final paper for my summer class. this weekend.

experienced the globalizing impact of technology as my whole family group blackberry messaged my sister in barcelona. in real time!

got excited for a special weekend visitor!

stressed about maintaining my renewed devotion to healthy living while not missing a beat in the fun weekend plans.

today i felt grateful for this extra time i expected to spend out of commission on ivs and simultaneously afraid for what lies ahead. i felt afraid not just for me or about CF, but in general. i felt afraid that i lucked out and now i'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for probability to work itself out over time. luck feels temporary, unstable and scary. my bronchoscopy on monday provided a sobering reminder that CF is an unforgiving, unrelenting, unsympathetic, and unreasonable beast - yes, beast - that rears its hideous head as it pleases and takes mercy on nobody.

today i took a deep breath and refocused my energy on reasonable and productive thoughts. on chugging along by doing the things that i have always relied on. by committing to social plans with friends for the first time in awhile, re-devoting myself to all around healthy living and remembering that worrying about uncertainty in the future isn't the worst or most abnormal thing after all.