up until college, i was a procrastinator. a true, night-before-exam crammer that thrived on the adrenaline created by insufficient time. no example drives this point home quite as much as my approach to college admission. forgeoing trick-or-treating with my sisters, i scrambled to hit the "submit" button on my early decision online application mere minutes before the midnight deadline on october 31, 2002.
to make matters worse, i literally had no contingency plan in place if my entry was denied. i had not toured any other schools nor had i requested applications. my rationale was simple: i knew i'd be so disappointed if i didn't get into my first choice school that the rush to obtain and complete other applications in two weeks would provide a much welcomed distraction. as ridiculous as that sounds, it was honestly my line of reasoning.
well, i lucked out. the university granted my admission, thereby eliminating the opportunity to test out my theory, but the point stands that, until college, my attitude was that planning ahead was a waste of mental energy and stress. i preferred a "living on the edge" mentality and i fared shockingly well in this winging-things-at-the-last-minute manner.
enter college. with it came harder work, bigger responsibilities and declining, less predictable health. my first two years at college were, among other things, marked by rocky health, many iv interventions, and a deep conviction that i didn't want either to interfere with my ability to graduate in 4 years and have a good time along the way. feeling out of control of my health, i learned the importance of doing things now, not later. i didn't know what each day would bring and waiting until later always felt too risky given my desire to stay on track with school. these years changed me. they instilled fear about the future and, at the same time, a hunger to squeeze as much life out of each day as possible.
the dichotomy of wanting to seize the day but also achieve inner comfort and peace with where i am now is something i have been thinking about a lot lately. the older i get, the more that fire within me wants to make the most of my time given the increasing unpredictability of my future. the idea of making the most of each day is inherently stressful. it puts the bar awfully high and with that comes an immense pressure. i find myself feeling disquieted in life by suboptimal situations, almost placing my own expectation of my time at an unreasonable premium. furthermore, putting so much focus on optimizing the "now" can make time pass by without wringing as much out of each moment as possible, seemingly defeating the very purpose.
life is indeed short and unpredictable and tragic and miraculous, but that is all the more reason for me to live it fully precisely by reveling in the now - the awkwardness of some interactions, the realness of pain, frustration about situations and excitement about others. perfecting each individual second isn't realistic or even ideal. rather, i strive to be present in the moment and feel the realness, recognize my emotions and confront them head on. i don't expect this balancing act to magically resolve, but i do hope that actively engaging it here will help bring me closer to that happy middle ground between carpe diem and namaste.
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