26

i have officially been the most negligent blogger ever and i'm sorry. the last two months have been a whirlwind -- filled with holidays, term papers, out-of-state medical consultations, social events and family time. i haven't had the opportunity to take a step back and digest the ongoings of these past couple of months through blogging. to be honest, i've really missed it.

so, i'm back and i'm really happy to be back.

sunday, january 9th was my birthday. at exactly 10:17 pm last sunday night, i turned 26. as a time for reflection and forward-looking, celebration and undeniable fear, a birthday seems like an appropriate opportunity to return to my blog after a long absence.

birthdays are a funny time for me. growing up, they brought tears. each year, i would become struck with a sudden desire to freeze the moment. i felt powerless against time and not yet ready to embark on a new age. at 17, i remember standing in the shower as it dawned on me that, according to the life expectancy of 33 for CFers at the time, i was past the halfway point. it was a realization that flooded my heart with panic and fear and sadness. i wasn't ready to be halfway done.

then one year, i made a decision. i realized i had two choices: to have a birthday and get older or not. it may sound morbid or overly simplistic, but somehow that realization completely reframed my perception of birthdays.

it was at that moment that i decided that my emotionality around birthdays could be better funneled into celebrating thoroughly and enthusiastically - filling birthday weekends with activities, special meals and festivities - rather than indulging my fears about getting older and running out of time. these were fears that were utterly unproductive, paralyzing even, and it didn't behoove me to spend my birthdays going through the motions of celebrating when really all i could do was wonder how many, if any, were left.

i'm not foolish enough to believe that by packing birthday weekends tight with celebrations, i actually effectively eliminated the very real apprehension about the future that birthdays provoked in me. i think what it did was provide a more productive channel for my fear. re-framing can be a powerful tool and an important one to utilize at certain necessary times.

on top of that, it felt indulgent to mourn a new age that so many others don't get the chance to reach. getting older is a privilege, a true privilege, and one that i ought to cherish even if it involves binding underlying fear with celebrations and activity at some level.

so, that's what i did as i bid adieu to the first half of my twenties during a weekend-long birthday celebration with my beloved family and amazing friends.

here are some photos that capture the weekend fun:

birthday cake #1

birthday "cake" #2

birthday [cup]cake[s] #3

birthday cake #4