it's back.

so, apparently i've become a bleeder. it's a classification i detest. many parts of CF are unpleasant, unglamorous, painful and hard, to say the least, but you learn to roll with the punches. dare i even say, you kind of get used to them, or at least used to the constant possibility of them. 

and yet this seems to hit me unlike anything else. 

it feels like an awful, jarring reminder of just how advanced my CF is. no matter how hard i work to uphold a normal, happy, enriching and productive life, this is my body's sadistic reminder to my soul that i can't fool anyone, especially myself. it's like CF embodied in a disgusting red package - unpredictable, uncontrollable and constantly capable of wreaking havoc at the drop of a hat. it makes me feel sick, weak and so unsure of myself and my body and i hate it. i hate every second of it. i hate every second of fear about it. 

amazingly, despite lung function in the 40s and 30s, i've steadfastly held onto a view of myself as a "healthy girl with shitty lungs." i've even justified that my lung function must be artificially low given how well i'm still able to live. after all, i work, i go to school, i live by myself, i never miss class, i travel. i do a lot. i live so fully and normally, how can i really be that sick? 

well, folks, i guess the secret is out. the hemo is back. maybe i'm not as healthy as i like to think. 

so i reason with myself. it's not ideal, but it's reality and i don't have a choice in the matter anyway. i better (wo)man up, stop trying to overanalyze my CF and health trajectory and learn to roll with this one too. it's par for the CF course and i have too many things to do in my normal, healthy, everyday life to bury myself with worry about this. (ahem, midterm due thurs.) 

onward and upward. bloody or not.