what you can't see

what you can't see behind this excited, young, vibrant smile as i run from school to work to school again is that my right knee is throbbing, my left ankle aches, my lungs feel tight and congested and i shiver with each bad cough for fear that it will bring my most hated enemy, hemoptysis. the pains in my joints and the icky feeling in my lungs are because i've slept less than 5 hours the past three nights. i can take one sleep-deprived night, i can sometimes even take two, but three is my threshold and today i'm paying the price.

i'm paddling, so hard, but i'm tired. really freaking tired. 

in some strange, twisted, masochistic way, working and learning and fundraising are both my fuel and my poison. i'm hungry to pursue big dreams, make a mark, make change, but sometimes my heart and my eyes are too big for this frail little body that houses them. what do you do when the pursuit of your dreams, the achievement of your potential is your drive and your destruction all rolled into one confusing, twisted little ball? or week of mayhem. or year of chaos. 

i just need more time.